Back story:
My dad is diabetic, insulin dependant, and hardly takes care of himself. somewhere around 8 months ago, he found an infection on his foot. 2 months later it was worse. 3 months after that they gave him a boot and he started going for apointments to literally dig out the infection.
2 weeks ago he went for a check up and they admitted him. the absyss in his foot is roughly the size of a dixie cup.
the end of the week last week they moved him from the big VA hospital to the VA hospital/home not 5 minutes down the street.
I went to visit after work today. My sister had gone over the weekend and so had mom and I hadn't seen him in a week.
I walk from my car to the enterance enjoying th weather and the friendly people.
I step in and my stomach knots. the set up is exactly the same as the home Nana was in. The last place I saw my grandmother alive was in that home and I hadn't thought about that in years.
I check in and wander off to find Dad's room. I walk in to happy smiley Dad. I haven't seen that Dad in a long time.
He promptly shows me off to his buddies "this is my daughter." "my youngest" "she's the smartest one of all of us" "she loves music. everything. she'll listen to anything." "yes she is beautiful, i know"
he's always been one proud Papa but, honeslty, this man has spoken around me for years. Today was the first time in I don't know how long we chit chatted and laughed and joked.
He invited me for dinner. We went and asked if that was okay and then we sat together.
The staff is amazing. They're attentive, friendly, and overwhelmingly kind.
The food was surprisingly good.
The visti was wonderful.
The part that got me: pushing Dad in a wheelchair.
The last time I pushed someone in a wheel chair like that was Nana.
It was all I could do not to trip out.
I found myself a little lost for a moment in my own head.
It's frightening to me the similarities. Nana was diabetic, Nana refused to accept helpful things like medication, exercise, a walker, glasses, hearing aids, etc. Nana was in a wheel chair the entire time i knew her due to a mistake during a pinched nerve surgery. Nana used to take me to dinner with her. and if I was good, she'd let me push her.
*sigh*
it's scary to imagine anyone not being in my life but i don't think i'll function well when either of my lovely parents go with God.
When Nana died, i didnt cry for years. Then it was Christmas and suddenly it hit me one day when I saw a ceramic tree like hers. I broke down and was a mess for a month.
Grandpa Finn died and it hit me like a punch to my gut. Watching Nana2 after, ugh. There is nothing worse than your adorable grandmother takingyour hand and saying "Finn is gone, my heart is broken and I will see him soon"
I dont do well with stuff like that. Death. I dont know how.
Auntie's sickness last year killed me. I was in tears constantly. Freaking out, she's like a second mother to me.
This with Dad, him getting admitted and tossed around to a Vetern's home is freaking us all out.
I see it in Mom's face.
My sister has suddenly become interested in helping out with everything.
and I'm tentative to see him because I can't help but ask 60 times if he's okay, if he needs help.
today was nice. i liked today.
but i'd like it better if we knew whats going on. tomorrow is his check up and then we'll know how the infection is and all that.
10:28 p.m. - Monday, Aug. 22, 2011