"I think that (points to sunglasses clip) is the best thing you bought. Now you always know where your sunglasses are."
*laughs*"yah Shawn had liek four in his car, one for every pair of sunglasses and sunglasses for every outfit"
Mom laughs. Turns to me and says"Do You miss him?"
Truth:
Yes I miss him. I miss him every time I drive by th trailer park he lives in, every time I drive by his work. Damn I missed him every time I drove through OOB by myself at 1 am. ((I missed Brandi then too and usually ended up drivign hoem crying))
Of course I miss him. I still feel that me cuttign ties and us not being friends is whats best. But it doesnt make me miss him any less. I miss that kid that used to make sure I was ok. The one person that straight out told me"I know you'd tell em if somethign was wrong" I miss the stupid gifts and the stupid voices and the comments he'd make. I even miss when he was being a gerk but hilarious at the same time.
But I dont miss him making me feelw orthless. I dont miss him trying so fucking hard to be cool. I dont miss his drinking or his ho's. I dont miss crying about him, for him. I dont miss him complaining to me, making me feel important just to break me down.
I was in love with him. No matter what I was. I wanted so so badly to be with him. I wanted to claim him. I wanted to be more than just his friend.
I honestly feel that he didn't lie when he todl me I was his closest friend. Because I was the one that listened to him ramble at 2 am. I was the one that would wake his ass up at 4 and 5 am and get himt og o to work. i was there for him alot. I stood up for him..
I dont think he was lying when he thanked me for beign there either. i do think he was sincere, I just htink he forgot to show it. i think he didnt knwo anybetter. He didnt knwo that just saying "thanks" wasn't goign to make me forget that for 3 months he left me haning. It wasn't gonna make me forget that he had told me we wern't friends.
He changed so much. When high school was over and he had to start over being the kid everyone knew. When all of us moved on, he stayed behind. He didn't really date, and when he did, he kinda kept it between him and his boys.
Remember that Valentines day he bought everyone 98 degrees cd's and chocolates?
I miss that Shawn. I miss the shawn that showed up at my house Christmas day witha basket filled with whipped cream, ice cream, a lil blacck book "Stalkers Handbook" and He stayed to eat dinner even though he had another one tog o to.
But It was differnt then.
HE changed so much more when his grandfather died. He was so close to him. That's when he turned the drinking up a notch. More than a notch, thats when he started basically having a bar out of his trunk.
See Shawn was a fun guy. But he kinda became selfish to me. I dunno. It was for the best, but it doesnt mean I dont miss him.
----------------------------------------
Someone please tell me why I can't get a hold of Sponge? Please, I don't want to lose another friend....
11:27 p.m. - Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003