It is so hard. so hard. to not flip out when im getting attitude at work. so hard to not think about jeremy and to not think about shawn. to not think about what i would be doing right now if shawn and i were still friends.
but when it hink about it. its liek this. itd be the same shit. hed call. wed go out. and then one of his girls would call and i woudlnt amtter anymore. or better yet one of his boys. and then im gone.
i feel so much better that Heather mentioned me in her entry. its awful b/c its such an emotional one. but ive been feeling pushed aside lately b/c alli read about is matt and mia. and yes i understand they are infact the biggest part of her life, of course they are i would want nothign less. its still that hing. i mean i know im important and such but it doesnt hurt to hear it every once in a while.
i dunno. Brandi and I were talking about our lives the other day. About beign the ones who work all the time. I mean both of us work full time. and its liek this. when all you do is work and then try to have yourself some kinda good time on top of it. that leaves sleep. lol.
after all this shit. yah know i never believe d it when ppl said youll look back one day on high school and youll be sorry its over. i watch the kids i work with who are ins chool, atleast ehy have something else. what do they have to pay for? i mean i dont pay for alot of hsit, compared ot what i woudl if i lived on my own. ((speakign of come january the search is on)) but i pay for my shitty cell phone. my car insurance. my college loans. gas and ciggy butts are added in. i lend my mom money. i do. i have for years. i figure this much. she always pays me back and what harm is it to lend the woman that gives me a place to live and food to eat a lil money here and there when she would ina heartbeat.
i dunno ijust miss...i miss the solidarity of listeing to my cd player. i miss wirting allt het ime. and homework. having apurpose. and dreamign about "what college woudl be like"
i was thinking baout college today. about riv. i thought high school was hell when i was there. god...riv was hell. i was so lost there , so unhappy. i cried so much. i hurt os much. hell it ook up cutting again while iw as there. i lost who i was i lost my confidence i lost alot while iw as there. i think i was at my lowest when i was there. but i bet you coudlnt tell huh? not until i told ya right?
i dunno im goign to bed now. its 5 am its tiemt o sleep.
5:05 a.m. - Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003