I have lost my mind. my paitence. its just gone.
i hate this. i have so much to do and i feel like everyone wants a piece of me.
at that same time i feel left behind & left out of things i want to be a part of.
i need to stop using retial therapy to get through. im out of money which is killing the goals beyond this degree.
i need to move out of this house. that really is feeling like a need. its too much. its too much to be here and be expected to do everything.
i dont have kids. i dont have pets. i have just me.
i love and respect my mother with every piece of my being. but i cant do everything for her.
i never realized that im a "say yes" person.
i always thought i was so super honest i could say no.
but i dont with family. its family, so you say yes.
fuck that.
i dont want to do everyones fucking taxes. i dont want to cart everyone everywhere. id ont want to be responsible for your bills and your clean up.
i get asking for help. and i do my best to provide it but there are things that she could do on her own that she just doesnt want to.
and then shes pissed when i dont have the time.
i cant handle this.
i honestly feel like i've lost it. i just need a break from everything.
no money. no time. none of that.
yesterday was the closest to a break from it i had.
i joined my friends family for a big chunk of my day.
manicure, mini shopping, and dinner.
it was just a breath of fresh air.
then i wake up today to bullshit and drama and im back in that negative space i can't handle being in.
so i have my to do list. and I'm intending to just be with myself. i dont think the current head space i'm in is good for anyone else and I have a lot to do. So its just me today.
and tomorrow I'll adopt the'fuck em all' mentality and rock it at work.
i will get this degree.
i will remain an excellant employee at work and i will catch my workload up adn maintain it.
i will take a vacation in 2011.
i will move out before i turn 30.
i will get this fucking degree.
11:32 a.m. - Sunday, Jan. 30, 2011