It amazes me, the men I attract. This one decided my personality was too much. we had a half a conversation that turned into him telling me he never saw 'this' working. funny how he'd never mentioned that before. specifically since, 25 minutes before that there conversation he was stating he was in love with me.
now, unless you have some emotional/chemical imblance, how do you go from "i'm in love with you and have trouble not saying so whenever we speak" to "this wont work. you thrive on conflict and our personalities don't mesh"?
i feel good. i feel good that i let myself attach to a man. first time in a very long time that i did so without conviction, without fear. i feel good that i didnt compromise myself. that i attempted to be understanding of another person but in no way quieted my own issues, complaimts, or confusions.
i feel amazing that i spoke up when something as simple as kissing was not enjoyable for me.
i did explain numerous times to this man that i am argumentative and opinionated. i am strong and independant and i will not just bow down to what you want.
this was his deal breaker apparantly the entire time. i'm glad it happened now just shy of a month into being in the relationship rather than later.
this is the first break up that i feel amazing about.
im not hurt or sobbing. im not over thinking any thing that happened.
perhaps the year of brittnie/brian shit and letting go of tyler and seeing people i didn tneed to see ever again and watching patty walk away and now this with eric..perhaps it prepared me to be okay.
i was drunk drunk drunk when we broke up, eric and i.
and i went drunk shopping with Becky and Nate. at the point where "i need to go home and pass out" hit me so did the finality of what had happened.
i excused myself to the bathroom and let out one good sob.
why? why did he let it go on if the core issue was my personality? who does that? what's the point?
and i took a deep breath and said to myself there's nothing to miss.
he's correct, i need a stronger man. a man in general.
but what i have is far better than any man i may find to keep me company.
i have what i need.
i have my self worth and confidence. i have conciousness and conscience. i have health. i have Becky, Brandi and Megan, three of the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. I have Chelsea and Shelley who get me through every stressful work day. I have The Momma. I have faith in God and his plan for me.
I am better. I have been better. I refuse to let anyone make me feel less than that again.
and i washed my hands. laughed at my appearance and bought an adorable shirt for $1.77.
i'm feeling good. i am. it;s not fake or false. its just good. i found a guy that seemed great. but i feel like im so eager to find a suitor that i keep trying to make these not so right boys fit my perfect.
i like flirting. i love fucking. and you know what, i enjoyed being somenes girlfriend.
so im down for whatever comes my way.
and in the meantime i'll enjoy the dirty talk with Alex and see if Jim might be availble for some fun.
I'll entertain fantasies if i feel like.
I will find my motivation to get my homework done and do well in school. I wll also get my ass working out on a regular regimine again. I will make phone calls to old friends and stay connected.
I will be the best version of myself.
this.
this is happiness.
11:28 a.m. - Saturday, Dec. 11, 2010