I have a long to do list I intended to get through today or at least this weekend but it went a little differntly.
in November, I had a boyfriend. I fell hard and fast for him and it was sooo very good. Until it wasnt.
He had gone from being everythng I'd ever wanted in a boyfriend to leaving me feeling incredibly insecure and lonely.
We broke up as my birthday came around and I lost my mind, to say the least.
After about 2 weeks of crazy me, i dove head first into dating.
being with him had shown me that I was in fact, ready to be in a relationship, and that I missed dating.
I decided it was time to put myself out there and that doing so would allow me to leave him behind.
and i did date.
Within a week, I was seeing two men that I was interested in from the get.
The first was super sweet and attentive. The second was goofy and understood the meaning of "making time" for someone.
By January, I'd devloped an attraction to boy #2 and boy #1 and i stopped seeing each other.
boy #2 was a serious upgrade from my ex. he was a year older, cooked for me, spent time with me, he worked out on a regular basis and had the body to show for it. he didn't hide me at all, in fact, he was quick to put us in a relationship status.
i enjoyed how easy and light it was.
none of the super seriousness i'd had with my ex. i wasn't sure if there was a future with this boy but i knew i liked our present.
and then he did something stupid and i told him so, because after all, i am not one to hold my tounge when it comes to my feelings.
we talked, made up, and it was good.
and then a week later he'd stopped coming around and finally told me he was upset about how i'd spoken to him..A WEEK LATER. 4 hours later, i'd decided there was nothing worth trying to work out between us and we'd broken up.
and suddenly, i allowed myself a moment to think about my ex. instantly, it all came back. and i remembered how this was the first time in a long time, i'd been effected by a break up.
i continued to look, because again, i like dating.
couple more dates later and that gut feeling that he was coming back hit me.
i've had those forever, those gut feelings like that. they've never been wrong.
sure enough, this week, he came back.
we got talking about us, and how things happened.
and then suddenly talking became fighting and anger bred tears. we hashed the entire break up out. everything that had happened.
everything that didnt happen.
it was only a month that we were together but it was a month in which i had deeper feelings for someone for the first time in i can't tell you how long. and he was telling me he had the same attachment.
as we got back to talking and let go of the figthing, he told me he loved me, that that had never changed.
i felt myself harden. "why couldnt you have said that when it mattered?"
i was confused, upset, irritated, and by the end of the exchange, i was done.
the next day we talked again and in a minute, he had me yelling. i reminded him that i had done nothing to deserve the way he had treated me the last few weeks of our relationship.
there was so much that was still unresolved. we continued talking and he told me that he wanted us to be better.
when i asked what he meant he told me he just wanted everythng to be right with me.
i made him clarify until he said he wanted me, thats all he wanted.
no matter how many times i say, i dont do second chances, i know the truth, i do. i gave 100+ to friends of mine over the years; Heather, Shawn, even Brittnie.
and i've given them to much less worthy men in my romatic life.
the first time, was David, and it made sense.
we'd dated when I was 19 and at 21 I was a vastly differnt person as was he. We gave it another go and realized we were not at all suited for each other. it was a pretty terrible relationship but still holds some interesting memories for me.
the second time was Cory. and the third time, and the fourth. I ran back to that mess of a man so many times and he crushed me over and over. The very last time I went back to see if I still felt anything for him, i didn't but he did. thus it didnt work out.
The next person recived 2 chances of his own, Brian. You know, the guy who fucked my friend while fucking me and didn't get why that was a problem. Yep, him. I'm still unsure as to how I convinced myself it was a good idea to let him back in, but i did. That was drama and then some. At times, that drama still comes back to bite me all these years later.
but this time..
though i was hurt immensely in this relationship, he never did it intentionally. i fully believe that.
so friday evening i told him i'd give him a chance. i wanted to see if anything was still there, if i'd really fallen in love as deeply as i thought. and then his reaction to me giving him a chance was less than stellar and i hardened again. the walls came up and i pushed him away harder than he had back in decemeber.
and this time, he begged, he pleaded, and he made extremely valid points while doing so.
after tears, a drink, a talk with two of my best girls, and a lot of thinking, i decided i would give him a chance to prove me wrong.
i told him i was free saturday and we made a plan to talk.
he came over and i knew it would be emotional. 25 minutes in it was, i was holding back tears, i was conflicted, and he was talking. really talking. he was displaying effort i'd never seen.
and for this first time since november, i saw the man i fell for.
he took my hand and apologized. he wouldnt let me look away when he did it. and that apology was more sincere than any i had heard in any of those previous "second chance" incidences.
he meant every word. and i took a breath and felt myself wanting to be close to him again.
it took hours before i made a decision.
and we shared everything we needed to change to make this work.
and he agreed that we could do this slowely. that instead of jumping right back into being in a relationship that we could start back at the beginning and just let it be.
i went to be last night smiling and i woke up today the same.
i am not sure if he is what i need yet. but i am impressed that after one mention that i would need to see him put in effort, that he has done nothing but put in effort. He is open and i believe he is being honest.
i also feel that he is scared that i'll walk away this time.
i'm giving us a chance but i'm doing it on my terms. i'm not bending to his will like i did with previous men. I'm not compromising myself or my life like i did in every previous situation.
i am a grown woman. i am willing to admit that i am not perfect and that i make mistakes. i am also someone who isn't afraid to make those mistakes and chooses to learn from them. so i am taking what i learned during all those terrible worthless times and i am applying them here.
because my gut says that i need this. that i need to see what could happen. that i need to allow myself the chance to feel that way again.
because when we hugged yesterday, i felt that same feeling that started this whole thing "i could fall in love with him"
and because today, i woke up happy. Not forced happy but a real lightness and happy.
so i'm giving him a chance to make it differnt. right now, we're just spending time together, we'll go on a few dates, and we'll see if a relationship is something we still want.
and i'm looking forward to it.
and today, instead of attacking my list, i let myself enjoy that feeling. and just be.
11:15 p.m. - Sunday, Mar. 10, 2013