i am not proud of myself right now.
i turned 30 tuesday and my boyfriend and i officially broke up wednesday.
ive been a wreck ever since.
this isnt the typical break up. its not someone was mad and the anger took over and we broke up. its not someone cheated and trust was broken. its not someone feels more than the other person. no.
its that he had a family tragedy and feels he needs time to focus on that.
no matter how much we talk about it, i just cant understand how being apart is better for him.
but we are.
and im stuck because i didnt want it to be over. i dont want it to be over. and if you ask him, neither does he.
so i'm in limbo. im stuck wanting us back. im stuck wondering how long this "time" is going to be.
i'm stuck wanting to move on and let it go and at the same time holding on so tight that i can't grasp anything else.
this whole week has been a blur of uncontrolable tears and talking.
so much talking that i just dont want to anymore
i want to disapear into myself. i want to close off from everything and everyone.
and it's noon and i'm drinking.
because i dont know what to do. i'm trying everything to cope.
i let myself cry, that just made it hurt more.
i talked and talked and talked, that isnt helping. it's only confusing me more.
i deleted him from everything and it only made me sadder.
it doesn't feel over. not even a little.
it's just..stuck.
and i'm drinking because maybe that will allow me to function without talking about him. maybe that wil give me a moment of peace.
because i dont know how long i can do this and i dont remember how to be without him now.
and i hate that i somehow fell that hard. because if i hadn't this would have been easy.
the removing everything would have allowed me to stop thinking of him.
seeing him would have just made me a little irritated, not have me on the verge of tears.
laughing wouldnt feel so false.
smiling wouldnt feel so forced.
i am severly upset and confused.
i'm 30 years old and i've lost myself in "what the fuck do i do now" because of a man.
how the fuck did that happen?
12:20 p.m. - Sunday, Dec. 09, 2012