i feel like that 2 seconds in the conversation friday killed whatever it was we had going.
it was comfortable and nice. it was the foundation for a friendship, i friendship that was obviously involoving two people that were attracted to each other in that"i could fuck you" way.
and then he said undecided. and i became extremly confused. when i was about to ask for an explanation he was telling me "you should accept my answer. i think its possible to be undecided"
so i stopped myself from asking. and that part of me that likes him. that wants just a little more than being his friend. like the open agreement that its okay for me to kiss him b/c i think of that more than anything else, something little like that.
that part of me was a little hurt and i became a kid "this isnt fair"
he asks for explanations constantly and i give them willingly(most of the tiem) because i can explain myself. im good at that.
he says somethign like undecided and im just supposed to take it.
confuzzles me.
i woke up yesterday with the idea that i didnt want a confuzzle cloud over the friendship were both enjoying. so perhaps he could explain and then wed be good.
he greeted me with a question about a status i'd put up seconds after our conversation ended. yes, hes that guy. always analyzing my fb status. and i blew off the question. im sick of explaining myself. he knows more about me than he should if hes not going to do the same.
i get it. deciphering whatever your feeling isn't easy for anyone. but dont leave a girl with something like undecided and then give her shit the next day for liking you. for wanting you.
it wont go over well.
i decided i wasnt inviting conversation about him & how i was feeling. why should i? so he can manipulate it? no thank you.
if he can't say he wants this or he feels whatever it is we have between us, then he isn't feelingit the way I am or he isn't a man i need to waste the time chasing.
i dont wait and i dont chase.
i dont know if its the amount of stupidity and ridiculousness i've ddealt with over the years or what but i've lost all paintence with men.
im not trying to force him into a corner.
but saying undecided as an answer to a "why dont you confirm or deny your interest in me? you always just push it aside. but give you a glass of wine and suddenly every suggestive notion you can muster is coming to me. why test boundaries with someone youre not interested in"
undecided! how? how!?
he looks at me like a man that wants me.
he smiles like a man that gives a shit how I am and what I'm up to.
we babble when were together and when were not.
a day does not go by that he doesnt talk to me.
so how can you be undecided?
either we're friends that happen to think about kissing each other or you want more.
that doesnt seem dificult to me.
i dont understand how it could be.
i am me. simple as that. there are not other women like me walking around.a nd i dont say that as some kind of inviduality stamp, its just my experiance.
i am not everyones cup of tea.
i get that.
that doesnt bother me.
but you dont get to kick me around as your friend and then allude to more, just in case.
its like hes keeping his options open and that isnt okay with me.
so i did what i do.
yesterday he made comments that were hurtful. and i felt myself shut it down.
i had sent him a message after our conversation ended that he never even approached. why? probably because i was right and he's already expressed disliking when I call him out.
but the fact that he didnt mention it at all. that our conversations are stifled and not at all cute and fun..something killed it.
i told him today we can disregard that entire part. the i like you, does he/doesnt he part. if it'll make it easier.
b/c its begining to feel like i'm being played with and I don't stand for that.
i can't get into that again.
i dont want to pine away for a friend again.
so i was honest, i didnt hide it.
and he was good with it.
until friday. and i dont know why. and he doesnt seem to want to tell me why. so im removing it.
he'd be a good friend. i feel that. i like having him around and that is definintly an expressed vice versa situation.
and if thats not okay with him well then i guess hes just a guy i work with huh?
*sigh*
so. i'm realizing how much ive grown as far as emotions are concerned.
right now. i dont want to fidn another boyfriend. i liked how easy and flowing it was getting to that point wiht Eric. it didnt feel forced.
this. the whatever it is b/t brian and i isnt forced. it was there the first day we spoke. and he knows that. i dont know if hes where im at, that it probably wouldnt work b/t us. his sensativities suggest another paul. and ive never been the girl for boys like that. what he wants in life (marriage, another kid, etc.) isn't me either.
but theres somehting. its more than just wanting to sleep with someone.
*shrug*
i dont chase. i refuse to. why? i dont want to force it. i dont want to make it happen.
i guess im forcing him to atleast decide whether or not hes okay with it being taken off the table.
really, my thought process was this. if i tell him we can just forget that piece. the i like you part. that. then he can stop teasing me, which irritates me. and when we babble about sex it wont be about us. or maybe it will and he'll make his decision.
but its on him. if he wants me, he'll have to work to get me.
same as any man really.
he could have me. i know thats ridiculous to say but i'd let him. something about him feels..right..for right now.
like he'd keep me from breaking.
enough thinking. i have math to do.
UGH!
who came up with this stupid well rounded education bullshit?
i like english. do i really need statistics?
bleh.
4:49 p.m. - Sunday, Jan. 16, 2011