i'll be okay. i promise.
9:48 p.m. - Thursday, Nov. 06, 2008
i just need a compass and a willing accomplice i love P!nk. she's just frikken fabulous. lyrics like that. that's why she's fabulous. plus..she's one of those artist I always felt like was writing my thoughts. god that sentence sounds horrible.
so im like 75 words into my nano. thats terrible. i havnt typed it up yet either so it only 1/2 counts.
i'm oping to get a handle on my shakespeare so i can work ing writing time.
so far its like 15 mins here and there i spend writing. its so b movie fantastic.
i have the ideas of progression atleast.
oh! lets talk abotu the boys shall we.
so! I asked Ian if he'd make time to fuck me last week..yes i talk like that. sometimes i girl needs some ass. this girl happens to need some ass.
of course he agreed. and the last three days hes been all about sending me various nasty text messages.
funniest shit though cause they are so far from arousing.
ha.
he's so cute and fun in person. but when he attempts dirty talk its laughable.
we have a good time though.
Dave and I got into a huge..sort of argument the other day. I was pushing him away. both hands palms out all my might pushing him away.
i felt it happen days before.
i locked up and pulled back.
id spent like 2 weeks turning into this girly mess that wanted nothing more than to hear his voice and it freaked me out.
not just b/c hes married and all that. but b/c its been so long since i felt this way.
the last tiem was Cory and it took me 2 years to get there.
so i freaked out.
and i pushed.
and shit if it didnt work.
he flipped out. he was thisclose to hanging up on me as he said "you want so bad for me to be done then fine. is that what you want?"
and i sobbed. im not even kidding. i broke right the fuck down. thats the last thing i want i screamed inside my head.
but i said nothing.
tears streaming down my face. he sat on the phone. he didnt hang up. i cried.
he said hed call me back, family emergency.
we hung up and i cried. i cried for a total of 3 hours that night.
just fucking dying. i dont care if it makes me a fool or naive whatever you want to say. i dont care. for whatever reason i like this man. i like him a lot. i like him enough that the suggestion that he might leave me, he might walk away and i wouldnt hear from him anymore fucking killed me.
while he was gone i thought of everything i obviously needed to tell him.
i close men off. and im fucking good at it. ill tell you i like you. ill fuck you. ill grab you and do what i want to you. but under no circumstances will i open up and hand you my heart. i sure as fuck wont be the one that says i love you or i need you. no way in hell.
and it's been driing Dave nuts.
you figure he made the decision that he was gonna welcome the feelings he's having for me but im not budging.
honestly i cant blame him. ive always hated the one sided feelings.
when he called back i tried to hold back but the second he said hello i cried again. "why are you crying baby? dont cry. i dont want to make you cry."
and for once i told him the truth. thats not say i lie to him but i dont normally just blurt out everything im feeling.
and i told him. b/c you said you were done.
"that made you cry?"
are you kidding? yes.
i read him what i'd written except on little peice. it took me almost 30 minutes to do it b/c im so very vulnerable in my wrting and its so hard to share that part of me.
but i did it.
and then we talked. and he made me laugh. and then i asked him a question. i'd finally stopped crying. and his answer made me do it all over again.
the last line i'd read to him was "if you dont think its worth it..then thats obviouly your choice..but its not what i feel or what i want."
he'd had a half assed attempt at a joke reaction. i asked him if there was any other response. and he told me that he was far from done with me. that it'd been a long time since he felt quite like this. that he still missed me. still wanted to see me.
and i collapsed into tears again. when he asked why i liked and said id idnt know.
then said i liked him too much.
i told cory that back 2 years ago.
laying in his bed crying i told him i liked him too much and when he asked why i told him because he was going to hurt me.
and when cory and i were together i felt liek it was time someone hurt me cause i was always the one hurting them.
and he did. obviously.
with Dave i know i like him too much. especially considering the situation. my friends knew i liked him before i cared to admit it. thats why they spent so much time telling me to be careful. brandi's really the only one that knows to what extent. she's who i tell all of it too. everyone knows that.
but i told him. the same thing i said here. i feel the saem for you as i did for him and it took me 2 years to get there. and it cares the fuck out of me.
and then we said goodnight.
i was left very uncertain with where we were at but i went off to bed.
i watched Obama's speech(excellant) and then i slept.
i made a decision when i woke up.
and i sent it off to Dave. his reaction? Wow. Thats huge for you.
I asked if he was ok with that. and he said he believed he was.
later he called me and told me that he still wanted us to be us.
seriously if anyone could see us when were just together. were far too cute for our own good. we get along kinda perfect without it being cookie cutter and irritating.
the truth. if this was a different situation i would have fallen for him the day i met him. and he and i would be in some kid of relationship b/c he's that guy your with. b/c hes sweet and sincere. hes honest.
i really feel that. that he's not playing.
which is so refreshing.
anyway.
b/c he is married i maintain my single status.
but what i told him. wht he said was huge for me (which hes right it is)
..
i made a decision. which on its own is pretty huge. anyway. i decided i was gonna let myself feel this. i wasnt pushing it or him away anymore. that doign that would mean i'd be a mess and tripping out at times but that i was going to do it.
why?
b/c it isnt fair to keep pushing him away and then pulling him back. b/c i;; survive whatever happens.
and because i feel like it isnt done yet.
im not done learning whatever it is im supposed to learn.
im nto sick of him yet.
and after the initial feeling of weirdness. its kinda nice.
even more so b/c were both back to being relaxed and cute with each other.
oh! one more boy. man. no no. man.
who has a hot bike. and wears suits and nice shoes to work every day.
who has curly hair you just wanna run yoru hands through.
who is oddly sexy.
who i have to stop staring at b/c im pretty sure its against one of those rules i signed off to when i entered LP.
ha.
yah. im lusting after a dude at work.
if i could have it id fuckign take it.
o.m.g.
im so fucking tired.
fuck homework
im doing crunches and going to sleep.
back | forth
